Ask For Your Desires
A lovely way to learn to ask for and receive touch is through a structured practice. I suggest playing Betty Martin’s 3-minute game, which I’ll describe for you. She recommends you begin this exercise with non-sexual touch, as this gives you and your partner the opportunity to practice new skills and increase awareness without the layers of a sexual context.
The exercise begins with a brief dialogue to establish an agreement that is within the boundaries of what both partners need. One partner will ask the other, “How do you want me to touch you for 3 minutes?” The other partner responds with a request for how they want to be touched, such as, “I’d like for you to gently massage my scalp. Would you be open to doing this?” The first partner considers whether the request is something they are okay with giving and responds honestly, such as, “Yes I am happy to do this,” perhaps asking for a modification or clarification for their own boundaries, such as, “Yes I would be happy to do this for you if we can do this sitting on the couch rather than on the bed,” or by saying, “No I would not be comfortable giving this to you. Would you make a different request?” Once the 3-minute gift of giving touch has been established, each person can enjoy being present in their role of giving or receiving touch. The giver of touch might drop into feelings of generosity in providing the sensations their partner has requested, while the recipient of touch can enjoy the experience and feel gratitude for their partner giving them the gift they have asked for. Partners then trade roles to do this 3-minute exercise again so they each have the experience of asking for what they want to receive and giving to their partner.
After these two interactions, the first partner will then ask the other, “How do you want to touch me for 3 minutes?” The partner being asked this question reflects on what they would enjoy doing and makes a request, such as, “May I explore your ears?” The other partner considers whether they can allow their ears to be explored and responds honestly, such as by saying, “Yes you may explore my ears,” or “Yes you may explore my ears with your hands and not with your mouth.” Once the 3-minute gift of allowing touch has been established, the partner doing the touching may relax into the sensations they feel through their hands while also respecting and attending to their partner’s verbal and non-verbal responses to being touched. The partner allowing touch may surrender into feeling the sensations they have given their partner permission to create. After this experience, the partners again trade roles so both people experience asking for permission to touch their partner in the way they desire, and they each have the opportunity to surrender to their partner within their agreed-upon boundary.
The 3-minute game involves the practice of clear consent, and consent is moment-to-moment. If during the game you realize that you have agreed to something that is not okay for you, let your partner know immediately that you need to stop. Having agreed to touch does not mean you are trapped in an experience you do not want.
You can learn a lot about yourself and your partner through these 3-minute exchanges of touch. You may discover whether you feel it is okay for you to experience pleasure, whether you are aware of what you enjoy, whether you are comfortable giving and receiving, and whether you trust yourself and your partner to be honest in setting boundaries to not compromise yourselves for the other’s enjoyment. You may likely find one or more of these roles challenging. Which roles bring up worry thoughts for you, and what are your concerns? Which roles are easiest for you to stay most present in, and which roles do you find most pleasurable? You can build emotional intimacy through discussing with each other what you learned about yourselves through these experiences. You can also co-create more passionate and connecting sexual experiences through increasing your capacity to enjoy each of these roles together.
